(this excerpt is found at the end of my memoir) Occasionally, I have what I now call A PITY PARTY FOR 1! Last night the party was raging. I was so angry!! I told my husband if I had a brick and the strength, I would break my bathroom mirror into a thousand pieces. I was trying to tweeze my eyebrows and what should have taken ten minutes takes three times as long since I cannot see a damn thing! Even with the magnifying mirror it took me three attempts to get some hairs on my left side. I also had just finished blow drying my extremely thin hair. My hair and I use to get compliments from strangers constantly. It was the perfect asset for a hairdresser. I would say why thank you. I am a hairdresser, but my friend cuts it. Now I can see my scalp from every angle. The sides are even more depressing not to mention my scalp is also CONSTANTLY itchy and dry.
I could hear my husband watching television from bed. I still had what felt like two hours worth of personal maintenance before I could even think of chilling out and watching TV. In fact, it feels like there is never any time to just chill out. If I miss eyedrops or my sinus rinse it means I most likely will get a sinus infection in three days. Or if I do not floss my teeth, use my water pick, brush my teeth and rinse with the dry mouth solution I will possibly get another infection behind my molars. I also must refill the humidifier, or I will wake up with severe dry eye. There will be crust and my eyes will be all puffy and swollen. Oh, and then I also have found the need to use a hot compress before bed to lubricate my eyes for the night too. Oh, and that is after, I have cleaned up the kitchen from dinner, helped my kids with their homework and help them pack their bags and lunches for the next day. It is exhausting!!!!!!! IT NEVER ENDS!!! Then I feel guilty for being angry! I am supposed to cherish each moment of being in remission. But sometimes my new life completely SUCKS!!! I just realized too while rereading this passage I also forgot to mention taking my anti-anxiety medicine and hormone replacements. Since I have already gone through my change at the ripe old age of 35 (thank you Chemo)!
Today my baby boy turns seven! When, I was first diagnosed my baby was in preschool. This is where they first start to branch out, spread their wings and make friends. I missed every single birthday party for two years. I never got to read his class his favorite book like I had for my daughter. I did not get to see his bright eyes at pick-up and get covered in glitter and glue from his latest art project. I can never ever get that time back. After the two years of hell fighting Leukemia, Matthew was already a different child. Everyone says time flies but when you are fighting cancer time seems to move even faster for the rest of the world as you are stuck lying in bed day after day fighting for your life missing those everyday miracles.
Even though I rinsed with those horrific mouth washes during the chemo treatments, the chemotherapy still wreaked havoc in my mouth. Since, I had osteoporosis as a side effect my teeth moved in my mouth. They began to tilt inwards especially in the back of my mouth. I also had a great amount of gum recession right in the very front of my smile. Lovely!!!! This led me to the lovely experience of gum grafting. Just when you thought you could handle anything since you had beaten Leukemia. They take a slab of your roof and graft it to your gums. Talk about painful! Excuse my French…… What!!!! It hurt so bad I would get nauseous from the pain. Every time I moved my head for two weeks it hurt. I at this point had been through a lot and was extremely tough this however was an AWFUL experience. Nothing against my Drs, they did a wonderful job it just was EXTREMELY uncomfortable!!
The good news is after a good night sleep the pity party is over! I step down from my bed, put one foot in front of the other and I Keep Fighting The Good Fight!!